Worst Weekend Ever

Once we were matched, we began a whirlwind of preparations to bring home our baby girl. We got the room painted, and I picked out some fabric for my mom to make a blanket, and also made a crib quilt. People brought us diapers, and wipes, formula, and other things. We started a donation website for people to give so that the remaining funds could come in.

Everything was coming in to place, and the only thing that tempered our excitement was the gnawing feeling that this birth mother could change her mind. So we prayed and prayed, and asked others to pray.

On Friday night this last week we got a call saying that the birth mother had gone to the hospital and was in labor. We got few updates, but continued in our hope that we would be bringing a baby home in a matter of days.

Then the agony set in.

We got a call on Saturday saying that the birth mother had decided to parent, but was then waffling on her decision. She wanted us to come to the hospital and meet and hold the baby. Our case worker wanted us to discuss it, as she knew that it may make it harder if birth mother changed her mind, but we were told that she was leaning toward placing for the most part- so we thought that it would be best to go.

All night on Friday, and all day Saturday our stomachs were in in knots. We struggled to eat, and sleep, and we just wanted to have an answer whether this was our daughter or not.

So, we made our way to the hospital and held the baby.

It's a very strange thing going in to a hospital room to visit a woman that you barely know, and hold a baby that you could either have one of the most significant relationships with, or just simply enjoy the delight of holding a newborn. But we held her. We stroked her black, thick, spiky hair. We doted over her expressions, and got to know a little of her personality.

But we knew that could be the last time we ever held that sweet baby girl.

Sunday was a blur of emotions. We started the morning thinking that we may be taking a baby home, only to find out that the birth mother would be staying in the hospital one more day. In her mind that meant another day to make up her mind. In our minds, that was just another night of fitful sleep, stomach knots, and extreme emotional fatigue.

We knew that Monday would bring an answer though. She would be leaving the hospital, and one way or another, the baby would need to go home with someone.

So, this morning, we waited, and figured the longer we waited the less likely we were going to get an answer that we wanted. Unable to eat, and unable to sleep, I was the first in the house to get up. Our children were exhausted, and Norah had woken up in the night feeling unwell. Everyone slept until past 9:00- totally uncharacteristic.

But we got the call, and like we anticipated, it wasn't the news we wanted. Our birth mother had indeed decided she was going to parent. It wasn't an easy decision for her, obviously, but it is what it is.

We're heartbroken, and sad. This was a baby girl that we truly wanted. We had given her a name, a name we held loosely. Casey and I will keep that name to ourselves. It's our own private thing to grieve over and share together.

All the baby items that we had ready are put away in the nursery, and for now that door is closed.

We're hopeful though. We're discouraged, but hopeful. God has a plan, and he knows what he's doing. He is good all the time, and he will continue to be faithful in our adoption journey.

Right now, we're focusing on resetting, of letting go of this baby girl, and turning our eyes to Christ who has put this adoption journey before us. We're going to trust him to guide us through this maze, and provide the means to reach its end. We just hit a dead end is all. We just need his help to get turned around and get on the right course. It's all part of solving the big puzzle.