Worst Weekend Ever

Once we were matched, we began a whirlwind of preparations to bring home our baby girl. We got the room painted, and I picked out some fabric for my mom to make a blanket, and also made a crib quilt. People brought us diapers, and wipes, formula, and other things. We started a donation website for people to give so that the remaining funds could come in.

Everything was coming in to place, and the only thing that tempered our excitement was the gnawing feeling that this birth mother could change her mind. So we prayed and prayed, and asked others to pray.

On Friday night this last week we got a call saying that the birth mother had gone to the hospital and was in labor. We got few updates, but continued in our hope that we would be bringing a baby home in a matter of days.

Then the agony set in.

We got a call on Saturday saying that the birth mother had decided to parent, but was then waffling on her decision. She wanted us to come to the hospital and meet and hold the baby. Our case worker wanted us to discuss it, as she knew that it may make it harder if birth mother changed her mind, but we were told that she was leaning toward placing for the most part- so we thought that it would be best to go.

All night on Friday, and all day Saturday our stomachs were in in knots. We struggled to eat, and sleep, and we just wanted to have an answer whether this was our daughter or not.

So, we made our way to the hospital and held the baby.

It's a very strange thing going in to a hospital room to visit a woman that you barely know, and hold a baby that you could either have one of the most significant relationships with, or just simply enjoy the delight of holding a newborn. But we held her. We stroked her black, thick, spiky hair. We doted over her expressions, and got to know a little of her personality.

But we knew that could be the last time we ever held that sweet baby girl.

Sunday was a blur of emotions. We started the morning thinking that we may be taking a baby home, only to find out that the birth mother would be staying in the hospital one more day. In her mind that meant another day to make up her mind. In our minds, that was just another night of fitful sleep, stomach knots, and extreme emotional fatigue.

We knew that Monday would bring an answer though. She would be leaving the hospital, and one way or another, the baby would need to go home with someone.

So, this morning, we waited, and figured the longer we waited the less likely we were going to get an answer that we wanted. Unable to eat, and unable to sleep, I was the first in the house to get up. Our children were exhausted, and Norah had woken up in the night feeling unwell. Everyone slept until past 9:00- totally uncharacteristic.

But we got the call, and like we anticipated, it wasn't the news we wanted. Our birth mother had indeed decided she was going to parent. It wasn't an easy decision for her, obviously, but it is what it is.

We're heartbroken, and sad. This was a baby girl that we truly wanted. We had given her a name, a name we held loosely. Casey and I will keep that name to ourselves. It's our own private thing to grieve over and share together.

All the baby items that we had ready are put away in the nursery, and for now that door is closed.

We're hopeful though. We're discouraged, but hopeful. God has a plan, and he knows what he's doing. He is good all the time, and he will continue to be faithful in our adoption journey.

Right now, we're focusing on resetting, of letting go of this baby girl, and turning our eyes to Christ who has put this adoption journey before us. We're going to trust him to guide us through this maze, and provide the means to reach its end. We just hit a dead end is all. We just need his help to get turned around and get on the right course. It's all part of solving the big puzzle.

Best Cinco de Mayo Ever

For a while it was seeming like our adoption journey was like a walk through one of those Fun Houses you see in movies or at fairs. Everything is smoke and mirrors, and you don't know what the next corner will hold. We have heard of situations, and have them disappear- within an afternoon! We have had to pass on a situation. We have heard of situations, and then never heard anything else about them.

I can't say that it's still not like that, but we have something to actually share.

On May 4th we met with a birth mother. We had a formal, directed conversation, but it was nice. We liked her, and it seemed like she liked us, but as you can imagine, she had a bit of a wall up. There were moments though, that the wall came down, and we connected. When Casey spoke about the first time he was alone with Norah after she was born, or when we talked about him giving her flowers every Valentine's Day, or when we told her that we speak Spanish- those are the times that I could tell resonated with her. When we left the meeting, we felt good about it, but had no idea what the next day's promised phone call would hold.

Sunday morning was pretty normal, except I noticed that Casey checked messages a lot, and looked at his phone a lot. Eventually, we got the promised phone call, and what we heard was very good!

The birth mother that we met with really liked us. After we left the meeting, she and the case worker stayed behind to discuss how she felt about us and how she wanted to proceed. The case worker told her other things like how I hosted a Downton Abbey premier party, and some other things that made her like us even more.

So on Cinco de Mayo, we were asked if we wanted to match with her, and we said yes!

The baby girl is due on May 28th.

That's not very far away.

We've had some last minute scrambling to do like getting our fingerprints taken again, and having another form notarized. We also needed to send off a sizable check, which we were thankful that we had the money for. We're making mental lists about all the things we need to do, and have just over two weeks to do it.

It's overwhelming.

It's exciting.

It's terrifying.

As happy as we are, in the back of our minds there is a gnawing fear. We know that this sweet birth mother could change her mind. It's her right to do so. This baby, at least right now, isn't ours. Only God knows if she is ours. We could go through all the steps to make sure we're ready for her to come home, and still not have her be a part of our family.

And that is an unbearable thought.

We need prayer in that area.

We also have the daunting task of coming up with the remaining money that we will need should this adoption take place. You'll see that I've updated our fundraising thermometer. We need to have $9000 on hand at the time when our daughter (is it okay to call her that?!) is born. We're over halfway there, but we still need about $4000.

We need prayer in that area.

So, I want to answer the questions that I've been getting as best I can:

1. Is this going to be an open adoption?

Yes! We will do our best to make sure that our daughter's birth mother gets to see us about once a year. I'm sure we'll keep in contact with letters and pictures as well. At this point, we don't know exactly what it will look like, but we're grateful that our impression of this birth mother is that we would get along and enjoy each other's company.

2. Is the birth mother young?

No, not really. She is about the same age as Casey and I. It's actually a misconception about birth mother's that most of them are teenage girls, addicted to drugs. The majority of birth mothers are between 19 and 25 years old. If you think about it, it makes sense. Deciding to make an adoption plan is a very difficult and wise thing for a woman to do. It requires maturity, and a real inner strength to do so. Younger moms aren't as well equipped to understand the significance of motherhood.

We would like to keep a lot of details about the birth mother more private, and show respect for her privacy.

So we'll keep it to the facts:

• She is Hispanic
• She is our age
• She is already a parent
• She is a kind-hearted mom who is facing a difficult choice.
• She is taking her adoption plan very seriously

3. Do you have a name for your baby? Or will the birth mom name her?

We don't know. We don't have a name chosen. We're not sure how much contact we will have with the birth mother before the baby is born. We'll share her name as soon as we know she is ours!

4. How do you feel?!

Happy. Scared. Nervous. Excited. Thrilled. Terrified. Sad. Concerned. Stressed.

5. When can you take the baby home?

We will take her home straight from the hospital. We don't know a lot of details right now.

6. When will she be "yours"?

This baby girl, if she is ours, already is ours. She will be ours legally, or at least her birth mother can't change her mind, once the paper is signed to relinquish her parental rights. At that moment, she is ours. Later, we will need to go through the paperwork to legally adopt her. At that time, a brand new birth certificate will be issued, naming us as her parents, just as if she were born to us.

7. How can we help you get ready?

1. Pray. Pray for our kids. Pray for our hearts. Pray for us to get along under stressful circumstances. Pray for the birth mother- for her health, for her to stay committed to the adoption plan, for her healing.
2. Soon we'll provide a "list" of sorts of things that we need to bring home our girl- like diapers, clothing needs, etc. I haven't gotten that far yet. There may be opportunities to help paint or clean or organize our home as well. We may even create a baby registry, but I honestly don't know if we'll have time to do that! Stay tuned on Facebook especially, because that's one of the easiest ways for us to communicate what our needs are.
3. Give. There. I said it. It's awkward to ask, but I know it's one of the only ways that we will be able to pay for our adoption without incurring debt. You can click on the donate button in the right-hand side bar to do it through YouCaring, a fundraising website. You can also drop a check or cash off in our box at church, or at our home. If you want to give anonymously, we have our Adoption Savings Account that you can deposit directly into- to do that, just visit any Wells Fargo Bank (even if you're out-of-state, just mention that it's an Oregon account- that may help them out), and give them this account number to make a deposit into: 2349457040. Even if it's as little as $5 or $10, that will make an impact, especially if many of our friends give. 

I think that covers it. I may have left out some questions that you may have, and feel free to ask. I may or may not have an answer.